Three kinds of consciousness

Do you remember how you were born? Do you remember the pain, the fear, the astonishment? But. Did you feel all these emotions? Of course - yes, you did. You were able and you felt, even love from your mother and maybe anger from other people. You reacted, you reached for warmness and love and avoiding pain and discomfort. So what was the difference? You were not aware of it and of yourself. You were not aware, of what's going on. Everything just happened, and were in some way, one with you.

Then gradually awareness has come. You have started to see yourself, to see your thoughts and emotions, to recognize yourself. It was like emerging from unawareness, coming up above the surface of some level of being. And you start to be aware. You started to see the world through yourself, putting names, internalize what you see - meaning taking what you experience into some kind of space that can be describe as your inside.

First you were in the world, than the world is in you, as a set of pictures, convictions, memories, expectations. You even create your own world inside of you. It's a work of your imaginations. Your hopes, your expectations, your fears, your grievances etc.

From this state of being, of consciousness you can think and see and with some effort remind yourself of what was before state of awareness. It isn't simple because in that time, on that level, you hadn't remember things in a way like you doing it now. But it is possible like in a form of glimpse of light.

But it is not the end. You can go step further. I don't mean any change of consciousness as an effect of drugs or harsh meditation practice. I mean rather some kind of experience, that many people had. It has a very serious and mystic descriptions like enlightenment etc. It is cloud in sacred texts, rigorous methods, mysterious practices.

But all of that is misleading. It is at the reach of the hand. Nothing can be closer. There is no road to it, not because it is distant or hidden, or hard to achieve. But because it is obvious, in front of your eyes, around you, and you are literally in it. So how can you find the way to it?

The problem is, it cannot be described in words in any way. Because you cannot  think of it. So it cannot be desired or wanted. It cannot be described in language because it is not in a sphere of language and aware (as you know awareness) thoughts. Because the process of thinking and verbalization  are  processes of you current stage of consciousness, it can lead you only to something inside the known.

The Tao that can be spoken of is not the true Tao.

 So you cant think of it, because thinking is a current way of being activity. You cannot speak of it, because it is beyond verbalization. You cannot describe it and every descriptions will be a lie. But you can experience it, just like everyday experience. It is not unusual. You can experience it and return to everyday level of consciousness. You can make a mistake and start to want it hahaha, which is the most certain way to miss it. Probably there is no better way do miss it than to desire it.

You cannot lose it, because there is nothing to lose. You cannot have it, because there is nothing to have. But you can be in it, and then discover what you can't describe, but you can experience. And in a distant allegory one may say, that you can experience something different, more real, you can experience you yourself, but in a way, you can't think of, but can feel.

And probably it is not the end.

“What no eye has seen,
   what no ear has heard,
   and what no human mind has conceived”

So there is a journey of man. From the beginning to the beginning, but we can stop, and catch, and grasp, what we see, what we have, what want what we can imagine, staying in a half way.

Vicious circle of struggle for happiness

What I'm looking for, is a feeling. A feeling of joy, and peace. A feeling of fulfillment and that things are right - as they ought to be. I crave for a feeling that I am safe, I am good, feeling of excitement, and that everything is right and perfect.

I unceasingly looking for a feeling. I'm doing it all my life, constantly and perpetually. I look for that feeling in my situation, in my relationships to others, in circumstances of my life, in effects of my endeavours.

Where I look for that feeling is my life. Is what I see, what I experience, what I meet. I know that circumstances, flow of events, conditions of my life, other people behaviors can give me what I want, what I look for. I crave for attention, approval, or even balanced relationships based on mutual respect if not love. I look for my financial account, condition of my affairs, state of my body.

I puted my feelings in outside environment. In other people, in outside things, and processes. So to get my feeling I try to get what I want from outside. Or my life and state will be miserable. So I struggle to change and shape reality around me. To achieve success, to solve and correct and prevent problems. To repair or improve my relationships.

So I am in a perpetual struggle, forced to endless hunger and desperate fight, for what makes me happy, and fulfilled. So I'm in endless stress and uneasiness and threat, with a short jolts of joy and satisfaction when my expectations are met.

So I work hard in a state of tension to get what I need, a feeling, from outside world.

I employ some strategies. How to get things done. How to achieve goals. How to change my emotions. How to avoid or advert negative feelings. It's a exorbitant work. But, have I succeed? No. I'm still in a progress. Still on a way of struggle and tension to get the feeling what I need, from my interaction with outside world.

It is always the same. Experience, evaluation, feeling. Because I know (and decided) that feelings are there - outside. They comes from there. So I must to struggle.

The cause is that I (unconsciously ) made a link between everything outside and myself. It is me, in that reality. So if it goes wrong, it is me who suffer. Outside reality evokes feelings in me, because of that link, so I must struggle, and work on this reality, if I don't want a disaster in myself, in my feelings. What other people say, what will happen, how things will be.

It is (unconcious) part of me who/what create all that mess. All that maze. All this closed circle that I have to run in an attempt to get what everymen desperately need - feeling of happiness (joy, fulfillment, etc.). I may not notice it, and run forever if conditions of my life and state will be bearable. Exhausted but glad I will end then my journey, that was going along the circle. Or if it unbearable I will look for a relief.

But I cannot break this link I've created, between me and outside reality. I cannot, because this desired image of reality is in some way me myself. I extended in that way me myself into the outside reality. This is - my life. My matters, my people, my fortune, my estate, my job. Anything that hurt this reality I feel deep inside because it hurts me, because I blow myself and try to engulf world inside me and shape it on my best wish. And I feel the promise, that if I succeed in that attempt, there will be miracle - I will be happy beyond possibilities. This is the curse. This is a set of convictions and believes. A program that has been set in me. In every man. This is because we struggle. And sometimes succeed, because we have to have incentives. Just for keeping us running. For assure us that this is the way. The way to happiness.

So we've bloated ourselves and we doing it again and again, indefinitely. This how we live. But we can change it. Of course, it will require to take a risk. We can say - to lose ourselves. What then?