Elliot Rodger have killed 6 people, so what?

A 22 years old, son of the hollywod's director, Elliot Rodger have murdered 6 people in Santa Barbara. He posted on YouTube a number of videos, in which he tells the story of his life and problems. After his last film, in which he promises revenge on humanity, the family contacted the police . The police, after hearing Elliot, find him ' perfectly polite , kind and wonderful human'.

What is the truth about Elliot? A young , rich , attractive guy , attended to  college in Santa Barbara, driving expensive BMW? Was he mentally ill?  Was he been mistreated in childhood and that trauma made him act so cruel? Was he just an idiot, brat, a fool, a madman - which is the most quoted and useful explanation? From nearly twenty, short videos posted on youtube, the following picture of Elliot emerges:

1. He was sensitive . Sensitive to beauty. Not in a narcissistic way. But in real terms. Sunset at the beach or park were places where he says he found peace.
2. He had a happy childhood. It is emphasized in his statements . 
3.  At the age of 22 years he was almost completely rejected socially. He had, according to what he said, no positive relationships. In particular, no relationship with the girls.
4. He almost obsessively wanted love and sex. It is difficult to assess in what order, but it seems that he want them both and simultaneously.
5. He had a very high opinion about themselves.

Elliot suffered. You can laugh at that. Because the suffering of the young healthy American, rolling across California an expensive BMW, suffering from social rejection and lack of sex and love, seem completely absurd. But the suffering has only one real dimension. It is a subjective.


It does not matter, for the man, how absurd are the reasons for his suffering. That's what is real for him, is the pain he feels. "It hurt me that I had no shoes until I saw a man with no feet " 

Elliot had no positive relationships. Aside from his obsessive need for love and sex with women, he apparently had no one with whom he could share his real thoughts. He published his (humiliating in some way) confessions on youtube ( " I'm 22 and I'm a virgin ") , probably because he did not have anyone to talk about this.

He was obsessive for love and sex with girls / girlfriends. The whole environment in which he grew up and where he stayed, everything he  experienced and what he knew, have said to him: "this is what life is about". We all have sex , walk together, go to a party. The word "love", should be understood here as an emotional commitment to the relationship, not as a charity in the higher sense of the word , "for good and for evil, till death" , etc. 

He was sensitive. His sensibility was to him a reinforcement of the pain he felt of the rejection and lack coveted relationship.  Sensitive to emotions. Both positive and the negative.

He was narcissistic. He considered himself the as almost ideal, supreme. His statement when proudly displays sunglasses, and says that it is Armani for $ 300, is so absurd that it 's unbelievable. 

He hated the world. Because the environment brought him pain and suffering, which results from lack of possibility to fulfill his desires, he hated this environment. He hated these people. He came to the conclusion that they are small, vile and evil. That the world deserves destruction, and if it were in his power, he would turn it into piles of corpses and streams of blood. That is all what people deserve - he thought.
 
Conclusions.

Sensitivity is sometimes dangerous. With no discipline or religion may prove fatal. Sensitive people often kill themselves because they are not able to tolerate negative feelings, which they receive a hundred times stronger than thick-skinned majority. 

Cultural and social patterns have their consequences. This is not a stand-alone  Rodger Elliot choice, to shape his consciousness  into the belief, that sex and love are essential. His obsession was largely due to what he saw around himself. Lifestyle, environment, the image of life in the media, etc. 

Absence of God in the world or in the environment results in two consequences. Selfishness, which consist in making one's judgements, the final assessments and the only truth. Replacement of perspective of life as something bigger than we can experience, with cultural patterns (referred to in the previous paragraphs).
Eventually, we must answer the question: Was Elliot was right? Was it really unfair that his classmates enjoyed love in the light of the setting sun, while he bitterly chewed total rejection and loneliness ? Is humanity really deserve condemnation?

It seems that a serial killer was right. It was unfair, that such a handsome, rich, intelligent, kind and sensitive boy, was rejected, while almost everyone else enjoys free love and sex . Humanity actually deserves to be destroyed.

It seems, however, that these are not the words of Elliot. He rather repeated a sequence of emotions and reasoning, described in the Scriptures as satanic. Repeated that vibration along with vibration of a sense of his own uniqueness and superiority. All it results in unbridled hatred, which materialized in the form of murder.

Elliots logic was right. But he was wrong,  because he was not entitled, as no one is entitled, to judge people in that way. He was wrong, because one deserve nothing. It is a big lie, which no one explained to him. Humanity, despite the fact that actually deserves condemnation, has been saved. No meanness and injustice will change that. Nothing will change the simple truth, that in relation to another human being, we can stand on the side of God or side Satan. This first forgives and gives you time. The other judges and wants to kill. Right now.

This is the civilization with no real sacred feeling and sacred thoughts. The dark night of suffering, hatred and death, stemming from a desire of good without God. Our desire - seduces us. Our decision to make ourselves  the final criterion of everything - kills us. "I will be their God " - said Rodger Elliot. He doesn't know. That being God for the people, consist in the fact that God suffers for them, till his own death.
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Apology. I am not an english speaker, so... forgive me language mistakes.

Our little resurrection

Have you ever been at a dead end? Have you ever been in a situation, where last hope is dying, when you can do just nothing, when spiritually, mentally, but really you give up, because you really can do nothing.  When you give up any action, when you loose, not only what you have, but who you where and who you will be? When you die living, and fall. Ultimately. With no hope. With no expectations. With no dreams.

Our life is a struggle. Struggle to achieve desired goals. Struggle to stay on a, not so broad, edge of life. Struggle at any price, where hope never fades. And that's what we are taught. Day after day, in every situation, led by wisdom of our closest friends, by wisdom of religion, by wisdom of spiritual teachers, books, proverbs, we stand to the battle, which we usually win. We are winning as long, as we don't give up. Just ultimately.

But sometimes the night comes. And we loose absolutely. Physically, psychologically, mentally, spiritually. Everything stops. The night comes. Utter night. And then, in astonishment, next day, we discover - that we are alive. We are alive! Really! Not wanting that at all. Not fighting about it, at all. Not trying, at all. We see, that even if we abandon ourselves in death, here - spiritual but who knows maybe nevertheless very real, we don't die. There is something that carries us. There is something that lifts us. There is something that does not give a damn about our breakdown, our collapse, our surrender. Something that stays by our life side, with force exceeding even our resignation, capitulation.

So we see ourselves again. Even though our existence is not an effect of our efforts. Nor our endeavours. We can see that our existence comes not from our will, nor our efforts. That we were wrong, assuming that we were authors of our life, which we can only shape to some extent. We can, because something wants it. Because something causes us to exist, regardless if we want it or not. It wants. It creates us. Nurturing us, keeps up our being, even if we would deny it.

This is the way, our resurrection comes. Experience of utter powerlessness and complete resignation, experience of death "live", brings us to experience of something, which causes our life. It leads us to experience, that we are not alone. We are not a subject or thing floating on the ocean of universe, a subject that has to take care of itself, of all it's needs and it's survival. A subject, which task is the endless struggle for survival in reality around.

Our little resurrection leads us to experience, that we are a child. A child that has been looked after by the force beyond our imagination. We are not something, that came to being, as an effect of random biological processes. We are an effect of intention, and something being cared of, in a way beyond our imagination, and the only word we can find and describe such care is - Love.

The night of loosing ourselves leads to the day of seeing God. Leads to experience relationship between God and man. To notice that basically, this relationship is one-sided. This is God who is "mad" about us. This is Love, which cradle nanoseconds of our life, slightest moves of our emotions, steps of our choices and decisions. This is Love, which ultimately makes us free, event from Itself, only to enable us, to allow us to see It, to experience It, to be a side of Love. It makes us free, but not leaves us, not abandon us. It sends us on a vastness of free will and the world, but never stops, even on flash of consciousness, to take care of us.

Our little resurrection has one message for us. We are perfectly safe. Nothing can harm us. And another message. There are only chances and possibilities in life. All the rest is an effect of our wrong perceiving. Perceiving ourselves as an object floating on the rough, hostile ocean of life.

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This is a translation of my text in my native language. So... there can be mistakes :)

We are addicts

Every concept is false. Every definition is misleading. Every term is just a mark. All of it comes from greed. From desire to fulfill our inside. To get the world. To have it.

So. What we want. All these explanations, all these methods, all this wisdom, is another trap. Another burden. Another prison.

We will repeat and repeat this again, till we break down or fall. And then, there is a chance. To see the truth.

The truth beyond words. Or above. The truth that can't be said or explain. The truth that exist.

But we still desire. That's how we are. We are looking for. We are looking around. And that, exactly, makes us suffer, unfulfilled, unhappy.

Better ways, better methods, better actions, better techniques, more words full of wisdom are just one more, little more comfortable, drive to the hell we live in.

In truth, there is nothing to desire. Nothing to gain, or achieve. All these attitudes are ramifications of the big bang. The first sin. The change of our nature. The feeling of sweetness of fulfilling our will.

Yeah. It is sweet. It is good. When it is, as we know/think it should be. When we find, what we are looking for. Yeah. Thats a pleasure. That's a jolt of energy, flowing through our mind and body. Yeah, we desire it. And yeah, we are addicts.

And as with every addiction, removal of that source of pleasure, cause us to suffer. So we struggle for a remedy. To get what we want. And there are many ways to get it. You have to put more effort in your struggle to achieve what you want. You have to have a strong and clear desire, what you want. You must organize your life and manage your time. You must work with your emotions.

And yes! There is a chance for success. At least for a while. You can get it! You just have to strive harder. To be patient. To not give up. And.. in an ocean of discontent, which you are aware of, or unaware, you may get a moments of real pleasure. That drug, which gives you - ecstasy.

If you wouldn't get these dosages of pleasure, you may reject drug, or give up to try to get it. It may lead you to the night of suffering but in the end, you may find yourself free from addiction.

But. There is a good message. It won't go that way. You will get your dose of pleasure. Just enough to keep you running for another jolt. To keep you as a client in that cosmic endeavour.

Three kinds of consciousness

Do you remember how you were born? Do you remember the pain, the fear, the astonishment? But. Did you feel all these emotions? Of course - yes, you did. You were able and you felt, even love from your mother and maybe anger from other people. You reacted, you reached for warmness and love and avoiding pain and discomfort. So what was the difference? You were not aware of it and of yourself. You were not aware, of what's going on. Everything just happened, and were in some way, one with you.

Then gradually awareness has come. You have started to see yourself, to see your thoughts and emotions, to recognize yourself. It was like emerging from unawareness, coming up above the surface of some level of being. And you start to be aware. You started to see the world through yourself, putting names, internalize what you see - meaning taking what you experience into some kind of space that can be describe as your inside.

First you were in the world, than the world is in you, as a set of pictures, convictions, memories, expectations. You even create your own world inside of you. It's a work of your imaginations. Your hopes, your expectations, your fears, your grievances etc.

From this state of being, of consciousness you can think and see and with some effort remind yourself of what was before state of awareness. It isn't simple because in that time, on that level, you hadn't remember things in a way like you doing it now. But it is possible like in a form of glimpse of light.

But it is not the end. You can go step further. I don't mean any change of consciousness as an effect of drugs or harsh meditation practice. I mean rather some kind of experience, that many people had. It has a very serious and mystic descriptions like enlightenment etc. It is cloud in sacred texts, rigorous methods, mysterious practices.

But all of that is misleading. It is at the reach of the hand. Nothing can be closer. There is no road to it, not because it is distant or hidden, or hard to achieve. But because it is obvious, in front of your eyes, around you, and you are literally in it. So how can you find the way to it?

The problem is, it cannot be described in words in any way. Because you cannot  think of it. So it cannot be desired or wanted. It cannot be described in language because it is not in a sphere of language and aware (as you know awareness) thoughts. Because the process of thinking and verbalization  are  processes of you current stage of consciousness, it can lead you only to something inside the known.

The Tao that can be spoken of is not the true Tao.

 So you cant think of it, because thinking is a current way of being activity. You cannot speak of it, because it is beyond verbalization. You cannot describe it and every descriptions will be a lie. But you can experience it, just like everyday experience. It is not unusual. You can experience it and return to everyday level of consciousness. You can make a mistake and start to want it hahaha, which is the most certain way to miss it. Probably there is no better way do miss it than to desire it.

You cannot lose it, because there is nothing to lose. You cannot have it, because there is nothing to have. But you can be in it, and then discover what you can't describe, but you can experience. And in a distant allegory one may say, that you can experience something different, more real, you can experience you yourself, but in a way, you can't think of, but can feel.

And probably it is not the end.

“What no eye has seen,
   what no ear has heard,
   and what no human mind has conceived”

So there is a journey of man. From the beginning to the beginning, but we can stop, and catch, and grasp, what we see, what we have, what want what we can imagine, staying in a half way.

Vicious circle of struggle for happiness

What I'm looking for, is a feeling. A feeling of joy, and peace. A feeling of fulfillment and that things are right - as they ought to be. I crave for a feeling that I am safe, I am good, feeling of excitement, and that everything is right and perfect.

I unceasingly looking for a feeling. I'm doing it all my life, constantly and perpetually. I look for that feeling in my situation, in my relationships to others, in circumstances of my life, in effects of my endeavours.

Where I look for that feeling is my life. Is what I see, what I experience, what I meet. I know that circumstances, flow of events, conditions of my life, other people behaviors can give me what I want, what I look for. I crave for attention, approval, or even balanced relationships based on mutual respect if not love. I look for my financial account, condition of my affairs, state of my body.

I puted my feelings in outside environment. In other people, in outside things, and processes. So to get my feeling I try to get what I want from outside. Or my life and state will be miserable. So I struggle to change and shape reality around me. To achieve success, to solve and correct and prevent problems. To repair or improve my relationships.

So I am in a perpetual struggle, forced to endless hunger and desperate fight, for what makes me happy, and fulfilled. So I'm in endless stress and uneasiness and threat, with a short jolts of joy and satisfaction when my expectations are met.

So I work hard in a state of tension to get what I need, a feeling, from outside world.

I employ some strategies. How to get things done. How to achieve goals. How to change my emotions. How to avoid or advert negative feelings. It's a exorbitant work. But, have I succeed? No. I'm still in a progress. Still on a way of struggle and tension to get the feeling what I need, from my interaction with outside world.

It is always the same. Experience, evaluation, feeling. Because I know (and decided) that feelings are there - outside. They comes from there. So I must to struggle.

The cause is that I (unconsciously ) made a link between everything outside and myself. It is me, in that reality. So if it goes wrong, it is me who suffer. Outside reality evokes feelings in me, because of that link, so I must struggle, and work on this reality, if I don't want a disaster in myself, in my feelings. What other people say, what will happen, how things will be.

It is (unconcious) part of me who/what create all that mess. All that maze. All this closed circle that I have to run in an attempt to get what everymen desperately need - feeling of happiness (joy, fulfillment, etc.). I may not notice it, and run forever if conditions of my life and state will be bearable. Exhausted but glad I will end then my journey, that was going along the circle. Or if it unbearable I will look for a relief.

But I cannot break this link I've created, between me and outside reality. I cannot, because this desired image of reality is in some way me myself. I extended in that way me myself into the outside reality. This is - my life. My matters, my people, my fortune, my estate, my job. Anything that hurt this reality I feel deep inside because it hurts me, because I blow myself and try to engulf world inside me and shape it on my best wish. And I feel the promise, that if I succeed in that attempt, there will be miracle - I will be happy beyond possibilities. This is the curse. This is a set of convictions and believes. A program that has been set in me. In every man. This is because we struggle. And sometimes succeed, because we have to have incentives. Just for keeping us running. For assure us that this is the way. The way to happiness.

So we've bloated ourselves and we doing it again and again, indefinitely. This how we live. But we can change it. Of course, it will require to take a risk. We can say - to lose ourselves. What then?

What is "Path among the clouds"? Is there any such a path? Where does it lead? Can one make steps on it? What do we know? What do we want to know? Is it necessary to have answers? Can we live without them?

Or. Do you find your way? Your answer to your questions. If yes. Then go for it. Have it. Taste it. Treasure it. Nurse it. I have nothing to offer. If not. We can talk. Or we can speak. Or. We can hear. Or. We can be silent.

But what then if we will be silent? Is it rest before a struggle? Before we go for what we desire? What we need. Or maybe it is just a moment. Same as moment of fierce fighting. Droving all our attention into one thing. The present moment. The very existence. The "now". This what is. 

Because we live in dreams. We are immersed in our thoughts. In the world we create. We desire. We want. This is our life. 

Yet we confront this inner life we live with what we experience. And this confrontation is a source of our emotions. And our choices. And deeds. 

We create, a world from thoughts. About ourselves. About our family. Our neighbors. Other people. The rules of life. 

We still watching. Our gaze is unceasingly laid upon "the outside". Is it good? Is it bad? Is it promising? Is it threatening? Is it "as it should be"? Or is it "unjust", "unfair", wrong? We look at world of our thoughts and the world outside with ruthless ardour.

We become tired. We find no way out, though we still looking for. We thing we should look harder. Try heavier. Put more effort to work. However we are losing. So we are tempted to accept loss. To embrace defeat. To recognize that we can't win. That loss is everything that we can get.

And then the flame starts to extinguish. Accepting inevitable. Yet false belief. 

Because the thought of defeat is as false as thought of success. Both based not on reality, but on our own imagination. Both born not form what is, but from we want to be. Both exist only because we create them. Out of our desire. For love. For safety. For life. 

We have been taught to live in some manner. To think and function in some special manner. It took years of our life. Yet we were not aware of the process. How could we?

So we live as we were taught. Assuming, that we live "naturally", or (even worse) we live as we want. But form what "want" comes? We want, we just feel this "we want". It is the feeling. Yet trying to pursue the sources of what we want, leads us to conclusion that it is something in us. Something we did not decide.

This "special way of life", way of perceiving, way of thinking, way of feeling is an effect of some kind of training. Our deep has been shaped. And it we think according to this shape. 

All efforts we take. All struggle we engage. All journeys we make. Are all in the closed world we unconsciously yet constantly create, based on our deep shape. So they can't, just can't lead us beyond troubles we experience. We can achieve relief, but never freedom. 

So maybe it's time to put a step among the clouds. Among what we do not know. What we do not expect. Maybe it's time to start a journey. To meet what is. To meet ourselves. To meet...