Vicious circle of struggle for happiness

What I'm looking for, is a feeling. A feeling of joy, and peace. A feeling of fulfillment and that things are right - as they ought to be. I crave for a feeling that I am safe, I am good, feeling of excitement, and that everything is right and perfect.

I unceasingly looking for a feeling. I'm doing it all my life, constantly and perpetually. I look for that feeling in my situation, in my relationships to others, in circumstances of my life, in effects of my endeavours.

Where I look for that feeling is my life. Is what I see, what I experience, what I meet. I know that circumstances, flow of events, conditions of my life, other people behaviors can give me what I want, what I look for. I crave for attention, approval, or even balanced relationships based on mutual respect if not love. I look for my financial account, condition of my affairs, state of my body.

I puted my feelings in outside environment. In other people, in outside things, and processes. So to get my feeling I try to get what I want from outside. Or my life and state will be miserable. So I struggle to change and shape reality around me. To achieve success, to solve and correct and prevent problems. To repair or improve my relationships.

So I am in a perpetual struggle, forced to endless hunger and desperate fight, for what makes me happy, and fulfilled. So I'm in endless stress and uneasiness and threat, with a short jolts of joy and satisfaction when my expectations are met.

So I work hard in a state of tension to get what I need, a feeling, from outside world.

I employ some strategies. How to get things done. How to achieve goals. How to change my emotions. How to avoid or advert negative feelings. It's a exorbitant work. But, have I succeed? No. I'm still in a progress. Still on a way of struggle and tension to get the feeling what I need, from my interaction with outside world.

It is always the same. Experience, evaluation, feeling. Because I know (and decided) that feelings are there - outside. They comes from there. So I must to struggle.

The cause is that I (unconsciously ) made a link between everything outside and myself. It is me, in that reality. So if it goes wrong, it is me who suffer. Outside reality evokes feelings in me, because of that link, so I must struggle, and work on this reality, if I don't want a disaster in myself, in my feelings. What other people say, what will happen, how things will be.

It is (unconcious) part of me who/what create all that mess. All that maze. All this closed circle that I have to run in an attempt to get what everymen desperately need - feeling of happiness (joy, fulfillment, etc.). I may not notice it, and run forever if conditions of my life and state will be bearable. Exhausted but glad I will end then my journey, that was going along the circle. Or if it unbearable I will look for a relief.

But I cannot break this link I've created, between me and outside reality. I cannot, because this desired image of reality is in some way me myself. I extended in that way me myself into the outside reality. This is - my life. My matters, my people, my fortune, my estate, my job. Anything that hurt this reality I feel deep inside because it hurts me, because I blow myself and try to engulf world inside me and shape it on my best wish. And I feel the promise, that if I succeed in that attempt, there will be miracle - I will be happy beyond possibilities. This is the curse. This is a set of convictions and believes. A program that has been set in me. In every man. This is because we struggle. And sometimes succeed, because we have to have incentives. Just for keeping us running. For assure us that this is the way. The way to happiness.

So we've bloated ourselves and we doing it again and again, indefinitely. This how we live. But we can change it. Of course, it will require to take a risk. We can say - to lose ourselves. What then?

What is "Path among the clouds"? Is there any such a path? Where does it lead? Can one make steps on it? What do we know? What do we want to know? Is it necessary to have answers? Can we live without them?

Or. Do you find your way? Your answer to your questions. If yes. Then go for it. Have it. Taste it. Treasure it. Nurse it. I have nothing to offer. If not. We can talk. Or we can speak. Or. We can hear. Or. We can be silent.

But what then if we will be silent? Is it rest before a struggle? Before we go for what we desire? What we need. Or maybe it is just a moment. Same as moment of fierce fighting. Droving all our attention into one thing. The present moment. The very existence. The "now". This what is. 

Because we live in dreams. We are immersed in our thoughts. In the world we create. We desire. We want. This is our life. 

Yet we confront this inner life we live with what we experience. And this confrontation is a source of our emotions. And our choices. And deeds. 

We create, a world from thoughts. About ourselves. About our family. Our neighbors. Other people. The rules of life. 

We still watching. Our gaze is unceasingly laid upon "the outside". Is it good? Is it bad? Is it promising? Is it threatening? Is it "as it should be"? Or is it "unjust", "unfair", wrong? We look at world of our thoughts and the world outside with ruthless ardour.

We become tired. We find no way out, though we still looking for. We thing we should look harder. Try heavier. Put more effort to work. However we are losing. So we are tempted to accept loss. To embrace defeat. To recognize that we can't win. That loss is everything that we can get.

And then the flame starts to extinguish. Accepting inevitable. Yet false belief. 

Because the thought of defeat is as false as thought of success. Both based not on reality, but on our own imagination. Both born not form what is, but from we want to be. Both exist only because we create them. Out of our desire. For love. For safety. For life. 

We have been taught to live in some manner. To think and function in some special manner. It took years of our life. Yet we were not aware of the process. How could we?

So we live as we were taught. Assuming, that we live "naturally", or (even worse) we live as we want. But form what "want" comes? We want, we just feel this "we want". It is the feeling. Yet trying to pursue the sources of what we want, leads us to conclusion that it is something in us. Something we did not decide.

This "special way of life", way of perceiving, way of thinking, way of feeling is an effect of some kind of training. Our deep has been shaped. And it we think according to this shape. 

All efforts we take. All struggle we engage. All journeys we make. Are all in the closed world we unconsciously yet constantly create, based on our deep shape. So they can't, just can't lead us beyond troubles we experience. We can achieve relief, but never freedom. 

So maybe it's time to put a step among the clouds. Among what we do not know. What we do not expect. Maybe it's time to start a journey. To meet what is. To meet ourselves. To meet...