Three kinds of consciousness

Do you remember how you were born? Do you remember the pain, the fear, the astonishment? But. Did you feel all these emotions? Of course - yes, you did. You were able and you felt, even love from your mother and maybe anger from other people. You reacted, you reached for warmness and love and avoiding pain and discomfort. So what was the difference? You were not aware of it and of yourself. You were not aware, of what's going on. Everything just happened, and were in some way, one with you.

Then gradually awareness has come. You have started to see yourself, to see your thoughts and emotions, to recognize yourself. It was like emerging from unawareness, coming up above the surface of some level of being. And you start to be aware. You started to see the world through yourself, putting names, internalize what you see - meaning taking what you experience into some kind of space that can be describe as your inside.

First you were in the world, than the world is in you, as a set of pictures, convictions, memories, expectations. You even create your own world inside of you. It's a work of your imaginations. Your hopes, your expectations, your fears, your grievances etc.

From this state of being, of consciousness you can think and see and with some effort remind yourself of what was before state of awareness. It isn't simple because in that time, on that level, you hadn't remember things in a way like you doing it now. But it is possible like in a form of glimpse of light.

But it is not the end. You can go step further. I don't mean any change of consciousness as an effect of drugs or harsh meditation practice. I mean rather some kind of experience, that many people had. It has a very serious and mystic descriptions like enlightenment etc. It is cloud in sacred texts, rigorous methods, mysterious practices.

But all of that is misleading. It is at the reach of the hand. Nothing can be closer. There is no road to it, not because it is distant or hidden, or hard to achieve. But because it is obvious, in front of your eyes, around you, and you are literally in it. So how can you find the way to it?

The problem is, it cannot be described in words in any way. Because you cannot  think of it. So it cannot be desired or wanted. It cannot be described in language because it is not in a sphere of language and aware (as you know awareness) thoughts. Because the process of thinking and verbalization  are  processes of you current stage of consciousness, it can lead you only to something inside the known.

The Tao that can be spoken of is not the true Tao.

 So you cant think of it, because thinking is a current way of being activity. You cannot speak of it, because it is beyond verbalization. You cannot describe it and every descriptions will be a lie. But you can experience it, just like everyday experience. It is not unusual. You can experience it and return to everyday level of consciousness. You can make a mistake and start to want it hahaha, which is the most certain way to miss it. Probably there is no better way do miss it than to desire it.

You cannot lose it, because there is nothing to lose. You cannot have it, because there is nothing to have. But you can be in it, and then discover what you can't describe, but you can experience. And in a distant allegory one may say, that you can experience something different, more real, you can experience you yourself, but in a way, you can't think of, but can feel.

And probably it is not the end.

“What no eye has seen,
   what no ear has heard,
   and what no human mind has conceived”

So there is a journey of man. From the beginning to the beginning, but we can stop, and catch, and grasp, what we see, what we have, what want what we can imagine, staying in a half way.

What is "Path among the clouds"? Is there any such a path? Where does it lead? Can one make steps on it? What do we know? What do we want to know? Is it necessary to have answers? Can we live without them?

Or. Do you find your way? Your answer to your questions. If yes. Then go for it. Have it. Taste it. Treasure it. Nurse it. I have nothing to offer. If not. We can talk. Or we can speak. Or. We can hear. Or. We can be silent.

But what then if we will be silent? Is it rest before a struggle? Before we go for what we desire? What we need. Or maybe it is just a moment. Same as moment of fierce fighting. Droving all our attention into one thing. The present moment. The very existence. The "now". This what is. 

Because we live in dreams. We are immersed in our thoughts. In the world we create. We desire. We want. This is our life. 

Yet we confront this inner life we live with what we experience. And this confrontation is a source of our emotions. And our choices. And deeds. 

We create, a world from thoughts. About ourselves. About our family. Our neighbors. Other people. The rules of life. 

We still watching. Our gaze is unceasingly laid upon "the outside". Is it good? Is it bad? Is it promising? Is it threatening? Is it "as it should be"? Or is it "unjust", "unfair", wrong? We look at world of our thoughts and the world outside with ruthless ardour.

We become tired. We find no way out, though we still looking for. We thing we should look harder. Try heavier. Put more effort to work. However we are losing. So we are tempted to accept loss. To embrace defeat. To recognize that we can't win. That loss is everything that we can get.

And then the flame starts to extinguish. Accepting inevitable. Yet false belief. 

Because the thought of defeat is as false as thought of success. Both based not on reality, but on our own imagination. Both born not form what is, but from we want to be. Both exist only because we create them. Out of our desire. For love. For safety. For life. 

We have been taught to live in some manner. To think and function in some special manner. It took years of our life. Yet we were not aware of the process. How could we?

So we live as we were taught. Assuming, that we live "naturally", or (even worse) we live as we want. But form what "want" comes? We want, we just feel this "we want". It is the feeling. Yet trying to pursue the sources of what we want, leads us to conclusion that it is something in us. Something we did not decide.

This "special way of life", way of perceiving, way of thinking, way of feeling is an effect of some kind of training. Our deep has been shaped. And it we think according to this shape. 

All efforts we take. All struggle we engage. All journeys we make. Are all in the closed world we unconsciously yet constantly create, based on our deep shape. So they can't, just can't lead us beyond troubles we experience. We can achieve relief, but never freedom. 

So maybe it's time to put a step among the clouds. Among what we do not know. What we do not expect. Maybe it's time to start a journey. To meet what is. To meet ourselves. To meet...